Yes!!! I have many husbands and vegetables. My husbands and my vegetables are strewn about my house. I have them and now I will show them to you. But only some of them. Here are some of my husbands and some of my vegetables in no particular order.
This is one of my husbands, Husband Dan. He’s one of my husbands. We’ve been married since early in the morning many years ago. Husband Dan has many interests. He likes plums and killing people. Husband Dan helps me fix my glass owls after I throw them at the sky to show them to God.
Here’s one of my vegetables. It’s called the Vegetable Broccoli. I’ve got it in my house and I use it to do my disasters.
POTATO THE VEGETABLE
This is another one of my vegetables. It’s Potato The Vegetable. I have it. I use it to defend myself from al-Qaeda. When al-Qaeda comes into my house to blow me up with their dynamite, I throw this vegetable at them and they go home.
THE HUSBAND MAURICE
Here’s another one of my husbands. This one is The Husband Maurice. The Husband Maurice is so kind to me. He brings me beetles and spiders that he finds in the desert and lets me name them before he flushes them down the toilet. The Husband Maurice sleeps on a mattress that used to be in the basement of Enron Headquarters, and he says that sleeping on it makes his muscles bigger, and it definitely does. He’s one of my husbands: The Husband Maurice.
This is another one of my husbands. His name is Boyfriend. He is my husband, Husband Boyfriend. His name is Boyfriend and his name is Husband Boyfriend. Husband Boyfriend takes me on a romantic vacation to North Carolina, and once we are there, he makes things erotic by looking at pictures of fire on the internet while I hide from him in the dark. One kind of date I like to go on with Husband Boyfriend is I like give him a little kiss on the cheek and then frame him for arson. You can see him by looking at his picture.
This is one of my vegetables called Vegetable Celery. I use it to point at things I want to turn into. When I point at something with my Celery vegetable, then that means that I want to transform into that thing. I often use my celery to point at pregnant dogs and dragonflies that are getting eaten by frogs.
This is yet another one of my husbands. It’s a baby husband named Husband Pratt. It’s fine that I’m married to him even though he’s a baby.
HUSBAND THE VEGETABLE CARROT
This vegetable is my husband. It’s Husband The Vegetable Carrot is what it’s called. This thing is special because it is both a husband and a vegetable. I can eat it like a vegetable and kiss it like a husband. On Valentine’s Day, the carrot becomes romantic by taking me to the Mud House and letting me roll around in there.
Here’s yet another one of my vegetables. This vegetable is called Salad. When my husbands get back from the underground bunker where they do their job making car-sized shoes for nobody, I reward them for their hard work by shooting this vegetable with a bow and arrow while my husbands are asleep. The vegetable is called Salad.
This is the Husband Leonardo. He’s one of my husbands. A nice date I like to go on with Husband Leonardo for Valentine’s Day is that I will do a dump in the bathroom while Husband Leonardo drives to a man’s house 45 minutes away and drags his soul into the Land Of The Dead. We first met each other at Trader Joe’s. We first met each other at Walgreens. We got married at Trader Joe’s and Target and Walgreens. We’re divorced. We’re married.
This is Squash. It’s one of my vegetables. I blame it for Enron.
And that’s it. Those are just some of my husbands and some of my vegetables, presented in an arbitrary order. I have many more husbands and vegetables, but I’m not going to show them to you right now. Goodbye.